what next?

In less than a day, my fate will open up in front of me. An important phase of my life ends tomorrow. Don't know how things will be after that, too busy, too free...or same as usual.. So, I wanted to tap my feelings today, right now.

If we talk about feelings then there's only one word that describes me best right now - "Scared".

As per my standards, the interview didn't go that well. I was very nervous and fumbling on every answer. The answers which need to be given with conviction and confidence were the ones I fumbled most. The answers which I did answer fine were the ones that hardly matter perhaps. And they are the ones which I cannot compare or discuss how good or bad they were.

There is so much change that will come in my life tomorrow that I don't know if I'll even check the result. It will really need a lot of courage.

Let me tell you why it will be so difficult and what is at stake. I have been preparing for MBA since past 3 yrs now, officially. Although I think that I sincerely prepared only last year. My parents didn't want me to prepare for it because they think it's high time I get settled and get married. It took a lot of persuasion and dedication from my side to convince them to allow me. Just getting the permission didn't end the miseries, there was a constant tension and pressure that was always there. Still, I prepared, together with my office. 

The end result was this. I was hanging at the brink almost everywhere. And hanging on the brink is as good as failing badly. Because you either get a call or you don't get a call. I was the one who did not! I got a call from just 2 b-schools worth mentioning. And the only one I could go ahead and appear for an interview was SPJ. My parents had already clearly mentioned that they would not allow me to join any of the b-level B-Schools so even a thought about them wasn't allowed. So, that's why just 2 B-schools.

I came to USA for a client project for my company. Everybody thinks that was a major achievement. I know that it is not. There's nothing special about it. Just a matter of geographies. I still don't know why people are so mad about coming here. I think they are the people who're never satisfied with what they have and always eye the other's plate.

This coming to USA meant that I could not appear for the interview personally. I took permission for a telephonic interview from the school. I was allowed. This is where destiny plays its part. I was so damn busy in my office at this time that I was practically living in the office. We used to get Lunch and Dinner in office. Returning at 9.30 PM had become a habit. The result was that I didn't prepare for the interview. I wouldn't put the blame on the hectic schedule because I know, if I had had a will, a really true will to prepare, then I could have. But, that was probably not there. Ultimately, I prepared at the last minute. I prepared for every interview just one day prior to it.

Sounds funny! If anyone knows how madly I was preparing for MBA in India, they would be shocked to hear that I didn't prepare at all for this telephonic interview. Let me not comment on this.

So, the result was that with the help of some angelic souls, I managed to prepare for the first interview, and got through for the second interview. I took a leave from office. I wrote the answers to the toughest questions of my life - Why mba and why marketing.

I got the answers turn out well. I was prepared for pretty much every question that they would ask. I knew they will ask this question. 

Then the interview began. It came, it happened and it went. The result was tragic. I couldn't deliver the answers properly. The quesitons that I had known they would ask, and I had prepared, I couldn't deliver them with the right conviction. 

Now, here I am waiting for the results. Everyone around me is very positive. I don't know why. There were others who were even ready with the condolences. Perhaps they knew that it would not go well and... 

If the results are good, I don't need to mention what happens next. But if the results are negative, then let me tell you what next. I end the study phase of my life. I end the phase where I tried so hard and failed still. I had so proudly told everyone that if I give my full effort then it'll definitely go well. Now, everyone will be ready with smiling eyes and sad, consoling mouths.

Ever since I know, I have wanted to marry someone who choses me before chosing my family. So, the concept of arranged marriage was always elusive for me. The secret is that it still is. But, I have already given a go ahead to my parents. So, once tomorrow ends, parents will find someone suitable. A person who'll be best by society standards. Will be best for me also. After all he's the one who's going to be my soul mate for 7 births, and re-births. So, I meet the special someone this way.  I marry him first and learn to respect him later. I don't know what's good about him. He doesn't know what's bad about me. where I cry, what to do when I cry, or when I am upset. Doomed soul. I pity him already. Anyways, so I marry. 

I wanted to leave my technical line. I still don't think I can continue it forever in my life. But, since the only chance I had, which was practical as well as feasible, was through an MBA, so I lose that option. So, I think I will have to continue with it. Just like everyone else does. I used to think (kiddish!) that I have the courage to stand against the flow. I will not waste my life doing something which I don't like. Everyone does that but I won't. I will follow my heart and do what I find is best for me. Hahaha! Silly me. As usual.

Some of the adages which I'll give myself or people will give me to empathise, sympathize or whatever (actually, condolences).

1. Whatever happens happens for good. God must be having something better in store for you. 

    -- Total crap. This is what people use to console themselves and to get over with the pain of failing. Actually, the fact is that your efforts were not enough and the result is that you failed. Whatever you get is what you were worth. You didn't get something because you were not worth that much. There's nothing which God does in this. It's best if you just learn from your failures. Understand what you missed, why you failed and see what next you have to do. Don't bring God in between. If you fail, it's your failure. If you succeed, that's completely your success.

2. You didn't get this/that/other enough.

   -- A challenge is a challenge because there are obstacles there. If you get everything without any problems then it never was a challenge. Giving reasons for your failure is what losers do. You're making your failure a bigger failure by not acknowledging it. Learn from it as much as you can.

3. If you want something more than your life, then you get that thing. 

  -- I'm yet to see if this is true or false.

Now, I don't know what I'll do next with my life, in my life, but if you're reading it, take my learnings from my failures. Because.... "Success is counted sweetest by those who fail".